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Atomic Habits (Spoof): Smaller Than an Atom, Bigger Than a Nap

By someone who bought the book, read the first 14 pages, then started meal-prepping in theory.

Before we begin, let’s define something even smaller than an atom: my self-discipline.According to science, atoms are the smallest building blocks of matter. According to James Clear, atomic habits are the smallest building blocks of success. According to me? They’re the smallest excuses I’ve ever used to delay actually doing anything. It all started with a bad haircut, a gym membership I hadn’t used in 3 months, and a half-eaten protein bar from 2021. I was finally ready to turn my life around — again. Enter Atomic Habits by James Clear, the sacred scroll of behavioral change disguised as a self-help book.

 

“Make it obvious, make it attractive, make it easy, make it satisfying,” the book says.
I did that. I made a habit tracker. Then I spent 6 hours choosing the perfect font for it. Helvetica Neue? Or Montserrat Semi-Bold? That was Day One. I called it “designing my system.”

 

Tiny Changes = Massive Distractions

James Clear insists that small habits compound over time. Just 1% better each day! By that logic, in 100 days I’ll be a demigod.

Except I spent the next 3 weeks stacking habits like some sort of behavioral Jenga tower:

  • Drink water → Floss → Meditate → Journal → Burpee → Reorganize spices by pH level
  • And if I do all that, I “earn” the right to eat a chia seed.

Cue, Craving, Response, Reward… Collapse

The habit loop sounds simple. A cue triggers a craving, which leads to a response, followed by a reward.

Here’s how mine went:

  • Cue: Woke up.
  • Craving: Peace, meaning, better biceps.
  • Response: Watched productivity YouTube videos for 4 hours.
  • Reward: Learned nothing and developed a caffeine dependency.

Identity-Based Habits: Who Even Am I?

James says, “Don’t focus on goals. Focus on becoming the kind of person who achieves them.”

So I tried saying, “I’m the kind of person who wakes up early and works out.”

But I was also the kind of person who snoozed 6 times and microwaved last night’s pizza. Which identity wins? That depends on who had more cheese.

 

Conclusion: Big Systems, Tiny Outcomes

I now have:

  • 14 half-formed habits
  • A broken toothbrush from overuse
  • 3 bullet journals filled with motivational quotes
  • And the creeping suspicion that I was better off with bad habits. At least I was consistent.

If you’re looking to change your life one micro-step at a time, Atomic Habits might be your thing.

Just don’t fall into the trap of habit-stacking your entire existence into a checklist of existential chores.

Because sometimes, the most powerful habit… is admitting you need a nap.

 

This image and article are intended as a parody of Atomic Habits by James Clear. It is not affiliated with or endorsed by the original author or publisher.

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